I remember when I was 14 or 15 and I was going through all these self-esteem issues, and trying to plan out my next 5 or 6 years of my life. 

It’s crazy where I thought I’d be by now. Haha. I thought I’d be finished with school, living in some high-rise apartment in NYC or LA, and in a flawless relationship. I’m happy to say I’m not there, yet. :P

It makes me happy to know that the possibilities are endless when it comes to life. Things never really go as planned, and I’m learning to enjoy this whole-heartedly.

I’m no where near finished with school, I’m single, and I’m partying so much that I don’t think I can donate my liver anymore…Wait, can you donate your liver…? Yeah, you can, just googled it. Haha.

I can’t help but wonder where I’m going to be in the next few years. 

I can’t wait to get my Masters. I can’t wait to have that “flawless” relationship. I’m excited to have my high rise apartment in a city. I can’t wait until my first day at the job of my dreams. 

Ah, life. It gives you everything you need at the exact moment you need it.

Damn, I’m lucky. 

simply-wishin-onastarr:

(Source: simplywishinonastarr)

I’ve been running through this for almost a week. I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore, and I’ve been feeling…lost.

Obviously this is me being as vague as possible, but whatever.

Let me try and describe my “predicament”:

I want to be with this guy, and to be honest, I’ve never felt more scared in my life…

The time in between my only heartbreak and now, not that much has changed with me. I’m older, yes. I’m more aware of my insecurities, fine. I’m in California, cool. Other than that? I’m still pretty much the same. That’s why I’m afraid.

It spans from “I’m not good enough” to “I can’t be hurt again” and just keeps going back and forth like that.

Oh man, I’ve been a dick lately, I’m pretty sure.

I deleted the guy that I supposedly want to be with off Facebook, I unfollwed him on Twitter, and even stopped following him on Instagram. Why? Because every time I would see some kind of post from him on my news feed I would get this knot in my stomach that I didn’t know what to do with.

This is obviously an insecurity I have, because I shouldn’t care, right? Well, I do, and I can’t figure out why. Oh wait, it’s because it takes a shot at my ego. Like, there are guys that are way better than me for him out there..

I need to grow up.
 

I don’t know what to make of this feeling.

My heart physically hurts, and my stomach feels like it has a billion knots. I just basically said goodbye right now. I hope I did it in the nicest way possible.

I’m not crying. I want to, but I can’t. Maybe it’s because I shouldn’t.

I have to move on with my life, and this is the only way I know how right now. I can’t be that sad 17 year old anymore. That’s not me.

I’m Christopher Justin D. Dimla. I’m 21. I tend to party a lot. I have the capacity to love more than I can currently imagine. I’m loyal beyond measure. I’m not alone. I’m me, and honestly, I love learning to love me because I am ever-changing.

-sigh- See what reading, “Eat, Pray, Love” did to me? Haha. :]
 

My sister and my cousin told me to name my ego, because it’s the voice in your head that causes your insecurities to materialize. My sister’s ego’s name is Jennifer or some shit like that, and my cousin’s ego’s name is Melissa. They tell me it’s a constant struggle to fight your insecurities.

“Give it a name, just notice, and switch.”

Well they named my ego Kyle. I know how crazy I’m going to sound in this post, but honestly I don’t care because I have to do this. 

Kyle is an asshole.
He tells me constantly how I’m not good enough to be with anyone.
He  tells me how ugly I am, and how unattractive my personality is.
He thinks it’s funny when I drunk dial, and make a fool of myself - He lives for those moments. 
He tells me how I’m not allowed to be happy.
He tells me that I should be perfect for me to even show my face to anyone.
He thinks I can’t write for shit, and laughs at my attempts.
He claps his hands at my failed relationships, and he LOVES telling me that I’m not capable of being anything more than a lonely faggot who’s searching for his next trick. 

Kyle, just leave me the fuck alone. 

Even now, Kyle is telling me that I should care what people are going to think of me when I press the “Create Post” button.

-Edit-

The reason I posted this was because I wanted to be more real than I’ve ever been before. These are my insecurities. They’re a part of me, and it’s something that I’m still learning to accept. It’s an everyday thing.

One of them used to be, “You’re a faggot. No one likes a faggot” and I got over that one.

I’m more than what my mind tells me to be. I’m hardworking, caring, and loyal beyond measure. I’ve just got some growing up to do. :)

Is there a word count or something on Tumblr now…? My posts are like getting cut off. o_o

I go to this GayOC group talk thing every Tuesday, because my sister is forcing me. She says I don’t know how to be gay in gay-world, because she swears that guys are either trying to fuck me or I’m trying to fuck them. I need to make gay friends. Haha. 

The topic was healthcare. It was so weird where this went. We started at coming out to our healthcare providers, then went to going to the free clinic, getting tested, and then to blood testing.

I’m not sure why our first kisses came up, but that was another topic. It was weird how uncomfortable I got when it was my turn. I’m pretty sure I turned red. Haha. 

The first thing that came out was, “Uhm, with a girl or guy…?”

They said it didn’t matter, but honestly I wanted to tell both cause they’re funny stories. That and I never actually thought about my first kisses until I was asked. :P

My first kiss with a girl was in 5th grade named Shala Notter. It was weird because she like pressured me into it. Well, not just her, but all my friends too. We were at some house party and she kept saying, “Come on, it’s just practice.” then she finally turned off the lights and put yogurt on her lips and said, “This make it better?” then we kissed. It was so weird. I mean she had yogurt on her friggen lips, the hell? Then that was that. Haha.

There are two guys that come to mind when I think of my first kiss with a guy. I mean, the first one was when I was 13, and like it was like “pecking” y’know? Like it didn’t mean anything.

The second guy, oh man. The fucking anxiety I got over this one. I was 17, and we’ve been together for about 2 months long distance, and when I finally saw him it was beyond awkward. I didn’t know the fuck to do! I wanted to kiss him, and I wanted to all this stuff with him, but holy fuck I didn’t know where to start. Haha.

I remember there was a day where we got close and he was like, “Should I brush my teeth?” and all I remember saying was, “Uh..yeah…sure” then his friggen brother kept bugging us. ROFL.  

I forgot what we were doing beforehand, but we somehow ended up at his place looking at his scrapbook of memories. Not going to go into detail about it, cause I don’t know if I’m allowed. Haha. I forgot what sparked it, but we finally just went for it.  It’s weird to think and remember how all of that made me feel. We even did the “Spiderman” kiss. If you didn’t “awh” at that, you have no heart.

There are a bunch of details I left out that I wish I could type out, but hell, whatever. Haha.

When I was actually telling the story to this group, I kind of stuttered and it went like this,

“Uh, my first kiss with a guy…I was..uh…17..and…uh…it was…good..and…omg, I’m so nervous…and uhm…yeah”

Stop drinking and dialing.

I’m a pro at not driving, not leaving anyone behind, and making sure I don’t get beat up when I’m drunk.

I just can’t grasp the concept of, “Uhm, if you drunk dial someone you’re making yourself look like a douche, asshole, and idiot all so elegantly.” 

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s not as drastic as you think. It’s not like I’m always calling an ex or someone I’m trying to fuck. I’m not going to lie it’s happened a lot…

I mean, it’s almost hilarious when people tell me that I’ve drunk dialed them. It’s usually a long conversation with their voicemail and me going on and on about how I miss them, wish they were partying with me, and how much I love them. :P

I just need to stop calling certain people…It’s making me look crazy. Rofl.

I for the most part don’t remember what I say in these voicemails, and they happen so frequently…it’s as if every time I have three drinks I have to call.

I wish my phone would breathalyze me before I dial. ROFL.

 

I keep trying to figure out how to convey this thought and how to make my intentions clear, because I feel myself jumping back and forth on it.

I’ve been having some amazing days lately. The days have just been so effortless. I can actually feel my soul smiling. Haha.

Anyway, enough of my beating around the bush:

First boyfriend and I are on really good terms. You have no idea how happy this makes me…it’s not because there’s some kind of possibility of us getting back together or anything, it’s because I truly and honestly missed him.

I’ve learned enough about myself to not rush into anything or even think that I should try again with him in a romantic sense, y’know?

The old 17 year old self inside of me is screaming to confess this undying love that hasn’t left.

Then my better judgement tells me to just stay friends with him. If anything is to come out of that, then great.

I do like the latter more.

He just got his heart broken…I don’t want to fill the hole with myself (No pervies intended), but I want to be there for him…as a friend.

I want to have this guy as my best friend again, because I forgot what it was like. I want to see what’s changed and what’s stayed the same in his life. I want to help him through crazy struggles. I want him to be able to vent to me.

I love him…

So for us, I gotta hold back the urge to rush…

“Love is friendship caught on fire”

One elbow on the desk, my eyes wandering back and forth from the computer screen to my copy of “Eat, Pray, Love” to my tall glass of red wine and the lingering feeling of my mentholated body wash is my setting right now..

I wish I was in a more relaxed state. Admittedly, though, the wine is helping. The warm “drunk” feeling is coming and it brings a partial smile to my face. I enjoy this feeling - I may be an alcoholic because of it, but hey, I’m not hurting anyone. 

I’ve been running the same memory in my mind ever since he - I’d clarify who he is, but fuck off - told me that he missed me. I do this all the time and I know in my head that I shouldn’t.

Here I go again with all my fucking estrogen..Someone please find me a shot of testosterone stat, please. 

The memory is spanned from Oct ‘08 to Jan ‘09. You might even want to say that it’s multiple memories, which you’d probably be right.

I think about the first time I kissed this guy. The sparks that I felt, the “rightness” that I got from it…indescribable and it always had me craving more.

I think about how he and I would hold each other at night when my parents weren’t home.

I especially remember the feeling I got whenever I’d just…talk to him alone with no one to judge us. I think that’s when I’ve seen him at his happiest and most real.

Don’t get me wrong, of course he and I had our share of bad times. I’m pretty sure we had a problem every week.

Ah, being 17 and thinking you know what love is…or, even funnier, expecting love to be this fairy-tale romance where you don’t have to put any kind of work in and just live that Disney cliche “Happily Ever After”. 

All of this comes rushing back to me. It requires to me to evaluate what’s changed in that conflicted and broken 17 year old. What happened to him, and where is he now? Have I somehow grown happier? Where am I now…?

I’m looking at myself in the mirror trying to find an answer to these questions. All I can think of is that my hair needs to get cut and I should really start working out. Ah, vanity, it’s a disease.  

Jokes aside, I’m not really sure where I stand…That’s what I don’t feel comfortable with.

I want to be with this guy so bad. I want to hold in my arms, kiss him, and show him off to the world. Call me a weirdo, but I want everyone to know that THIS is the guy that I CHOSE. I want them to envy my relationship…or something dumb like that. Christ, the wine must be typing now. Insert a drunken hiccup here for me, please.

My problem with this is…I was hurt so bad…and just because he got hurt by the guy he was totally into…he wants to all of a sudden be with me.

I’m not a rebound. I’m not a second choice..

I was told by someone I consider to be very wise that “Love is friendship caught on fire.” I was also told that “Infatuation is insecurity”.

I want to experience love. True love. Love that is…as fresh as the day after a storm..

…I’m tired of this, I’m going to bed and reading my book.